Contributed by Jack

There are a few things I’d like to say, not to ask for forgiveness or even to steal a little of it when you weren’t looking, but because it’s been too long to not try to tell you what I’ve been up to.

It was my fault. It was my fault because it was my plan, and no matter how much credit you tried to take for it at the time I never bought it, not because I didn’t appreciate the thought but because, and I say this without the slightest twinge of egotism, it was too elegant for you. All the potential in the world lived under your thumb, waiting patiently to disclose the inner workings of your talent. You were a god at what you did.

What you couldn’t do was talk to people. I gathered the information, and I figured out how to use it. I even got ahold of the disguises, you’ll remember – I had an uncle who was in the garment business on the seedy side of town, from back when they still made things apart from martinis and pizza. He knew who to talk to.

I know it was my plan because I designed it so that if anything went wrong, the only person in any danger was me. When the alarms blew they blew in colors, the hallway lights making everything burn, as close to “Aha! Gotcha!” as you could get without a comical sound effect and a trap door.

The other thing I did was introduce the two of you, but like we settled long ago, that was a different kind of weary.

I’m sorry it didn’t work out for all of us. Tell the others (if you see them; don’t be stupid) that I said hi.

Ten more years. I’ll come to your anniversary, I promise.

Remember me? I used to know you, but you already knew that, didn’t you…

Thanks for inviting me to the party – really looking forward to it. If I ever show up, please come over and say hello, I’ll be the boy wearing the silly hat.

K :)

PS. There are no excuses

PPS. I’m lying and its seems I’m really very late. Too late, too bad. Sorry.

Contributed by germanfreek

Kate, I saw you trying to wipe off the scuff marks on my fender with one of your old hamburger wrappers. It didn’t work. I witnessed the whole thing. How dare you have the nerve to invite me after causing over a thousand dollars worth of damage to my vehicle.

I would come if I thought I could stand the site of either of you eating a chinese meal at Doctor Wong’s House of Grease, or where ever the reception is. I hope they brought in a wheel barrel for each member of the bridal party to haul their ‘winnings’ in from the steam table on the buffet line. I’m sure your honeymoon will be aboard a Richard Simmons’ get slim quick cruise.

Too late now kids!

Most support of the loss of dear Kate in the Haje-machine from us. To be unlifed is very hard when young, especially for the old. Who are left.

Contributed by Paul

Sincere thanks from England for your invitation, which I notice was printed on 100% recycled non-chlorine bleached paper recycled from your previous nuptials and divorce settlements (how are Anne and Tom, by the way?). I am afraid however that my self-imposed carbon budget for this year simply does not permit me to take long-haul flights, and will thus take the option of watching your ceremony via live webstream instead.

Contributed by goldenkippers

Global warming means that flying across the Atlantic is now as unacceptable as child abuse (cf George Monbiot, 1999), and I am sure you would not want your wedding to feature in the opening lines of a 21st century Dave Pelzer-type narrative. Have you worked out how many tonnes of carbon your church-and-cake fest guests will account for? Are you at least attempting to compensate in some meagre way by planting a few trees? I have to be cruel to my dear friends on the other side of the pond to be kind to the climate, I�m afraid.

Flying from London to the US and back releases the equivalent in CO2 of a year’s average motoring (that�s average British motoring – I expect that figure will have to be scaled down to a couple of months in the SUV-loving US) into our poor unsuspecting atmosphere. I am sure you would not want to blight the enjoyment of your honeymoon working with displaced Katrina refugees knowing you had made forced your international guests to become climate criminals.

I have set myself a strict carbon allowance for this year which I intend to stick to, and will only be attending European weddings in the future.

Yours,
Myra Ebell

PS If you could send me some of your Fair Trade organic wedding cake it would be much appreciated.

I am afraid I will not be able to attend your wedding. Unfortunately, Mama Chan four years ago gravely insulted the leader of my clan. If I were to attend, I would be bound by honor to dispatch her and her family, while destroying the establishment.

Contributed by mkb

In fact, now that I know the address, I am obligated to do so. I have interceded on your behalf, as we want to keep our reputation as extremely well-targeted assassins. The restaurant will not be destroyed until after your wedding date. If you can in any way change the location of the reception, I will gladly change my response.

Love,
Ryu Hayabusa

Love burgers, but work at a secret installation? NINJABURGER.COM is your only choice for fast-food delivery to classified areas, including military bases, CIA research labs, and all other “undisclosed” locations! Workplace cafeteria takeover packages available (extra charge for keeping kitchen staff alive)

While I was deeply touched that you thought to invite me to your wedding, I must send my regrets. I will not be able to attend.

Contributed by j3nny3lf

The reasons for this are many and varied. Among them:

1) My dog “Butch” is pregnant. Maybe. And I really don’t feel right leaving him alone, just in case he goes into premature, unexpected labor and has the kittens while I am away.

2) My mother is expected to come for a visit any day now, and stay indefinitely. Yes, I realize that it was only a year ago that both you and I last saw her, lying down in the viewing parlor at McGuffey’s Funeral Home, but believe me, my psychic says that she is coming.

3) I have recently been diagnosed with an infected blackhead on my left buttock. Ow. It hurts and I am afraid to move around much, just in case I end up causing it to get worse and having to have my ass amputated.

4) I have a Tai Bo class on that day.

5) For some reason, I am afraid that I would bring rotten tomatoes to throw at the two of you. I think that the reason is best described in my next point.

6) When the minister asks if anybody has any reason that you and Haje should not get married, I will, as a good Christian woman, have to stand up and remind you both that Haje and I are still married, and that the children want Daddy to come home.

6) For some reason, I am afraid that I would bring rotten tomatoes to throw at the two of you.

May you have all of the happiness that you deserve. And may you live in interesting times.

Jenn

Many thanks for the invitation, and glad to know you both still spare the occasional thought for me. I’m not entirely surprised by the news, of course, that you should come to this point along the road more travelled; the road that you took the first steps on the week I had to spend in France with
my parents.

Contributed by call

How I missed you both that week. And how it pained me to think of the two
of you together. But how could I expect you to refrain? And how could I call it
“infidelity” when all you did without me was the same as what we three did
together?

The pain of that week grows as time goes by. It didn’t hurt at all at first,
not until the effects became visible as you pushed me away and drew yourselves
closer together. I felt more and more a third wheel, spurned and rejected until
the inevitable happened.

Now, with this news, the memories pain me more than ever, and though I still love you
both dearly, I cannot yet bring myself to be happy for you. I must regretfully decline
your kind invitation.

Tearfully,
-call