Dear Kate,
While I was deeply touched that you thought to invite me to your wedding, I must send my regrets. I will not be able to attend.
Contributed by j3nny3lf
The reasons for this are many and varied. Among them:
1) My dog “Butch” is pregnant. Maybe. And I really don’t feel right leaving him alone, just in case he goes into premature, unexpected labor and has the kittens while I am away.
2) My mother is expected to come for a visit any day now, and stay indefinitely. Yes, I realize that it was only a year ago that both you and I last saw her, lying down in the viewing parlor at McGuffey’s Funeral Home, but believe me, my psychic says that she is coming.
3) I have recently been diagnosed with an infected blackhead on my left buttock. Ow. It hurts and I am afraid to move around much, just in case I end up causing it to get worse and having to have my ass amputated.
4) I have a Tai Bo class on that day.
5) For some reason, I am afraid that I would bring rotten tomatoes to throw at the two of you. I think that the reason is best described in my next point.
6) When the minister asks if anybody has any reason that you and Haje should not get married, I will, as a good Christian woman, have to stand up and remind you both that Haje and I are still married, and that the children want Daddy to come home.
6) For some reason, I am afraid that I would bring rotten tomatoes to throw at the two of you.
May you have all of the happiness that you deserve. And may you live in interesting times.
Jenn